Things to know

In 20 short days, I will be boarding a plane that will be taking me toward Buffalo, NY so I can spend a week at Chautauqua Institution before heading back to the Midwest.   As this realization has started to sink in I have had to come to terms with the fact that this part of my YAGM journey is coming to an end faster than I would like to admit. Over the past several days I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the fact that returning to the states means being semi-prepared to talk about this experience, share my stories and answer questions. 

As I have been thinking about what I will share with you when I return, I have also spent a lot of time thinking about the things that I need people to know as I return home to provide a basic starting point for sharing the stories of the past 11 months.  At this point I have identified the top 10 things that you should know:

1.     Please don’t ask me how my trip was.  This year was more than a “trip” and I was not just “visiting” the Holy Land.   I have spent the past 11 months working here, building a community, becoming a part of a family, developing routines and creating a sense of normal.  This was my life for a year and this place will forever be a place I will call home, so please do not minimize this experience by referring to it as “trip”, “vacation” or “holiday.”

2.     I spent a majority of my time living and working with Palestinians and in Palestine.  I know that there is a fair amount of debate about what to call this area.  Is it the West Bank?  Occupied Palestinian Territories?  The Holy Land?   I will refer to it as Palestine, and the people I lived and worked with are Palestinians. 

3.     Just because I am an advocate for Palestine, doesn’t mean I deny Israel or am anti-Israel.   One of the downfalls in our language is the assumption that when we are “pro” something we must “anti” something else.  In this case, if I say I am pro-Palestine, there is often an assumption that I must be anti-Israeli.  I may not always agree with all of the Israeli’s governments policies, I am not denying their right to exist and live in peace, so long as it is just peace for all in this area.  So I guess if we need to put it in “pro” and “anti” terms- I am pro-Human rights and anti-oppression; I am pro-love and anti-hate; I am pro-dignity and anti-humiliation. 

4.     There are Christians here. They may be in the minority, but they are present and they are present in a HUGE way.   In fact, this is the land where Christianity was born, it was not brought here by Western missionaries.   Nor was this part of my mission here. I was here to walk with the people here-Jewish, Christian and Muslim-to hear the stories and learn from them.  For more information about Christians in the Holy Land, check out this recent 60 Minutessegment. 

5.     I have spent the past year attempting to function in Arabic and English.  As I attempted to learn Arabic and teach English, I have developed my own language somewhere in the middle, Arablish if you will, so some Arabic words have worked there way into my daily vocabulary.  If they happen to come up in a conversation I am having with you please stop me and ask me what they mean.  For a brief pre-lesson, you can check out this blog by my fellow YAGM Courtney.  The other thing that this means, is I am not used to being surrounded by English conversations, so I am easily distracted when I surrounded by people who are speaking English if they are not talking to me-I can only imagine how overwhelming this will be when I return to a place where everybody speaks English.

6.     There are things that have become normal this year, that weren’t before.  Aside from it becoming normal for me to try to bounce between Arabic and English, there are parts of daily life that have become normal here and as I return home, I am going to have to adjust to a different sense of normal.  These things are some everyday things like the fact that toilet paper does not get flushed but goes in a small wastebasket, double cheek kisses are the proper greeting and the currency is shekel (or I measure things in how many falafel sandwiches I could buy…).  Along with these things, things like having to cross checkpoints, encountering soldiers with guns and witnessing segregation having become a normal part of my life and my stories from here.  While these things have become normal for me, they weren’t at the beginning of the year, so I don’t expect it to always make sense to everybody.  If I make a comment or some part of a story doesn’t make sense, please ask questions and I will do my best to answer them.

7.     I have a lot of stories to share.  As I mentioned before, this place was home for a year and I have fallen in love with the location, the people and the culture and I want to share that love with you.  However, if you just ask me “How was your year?”  I will most likely be so overwhelmed with trying to figure out where to start, that I will give you a mono-syllabic answer or a blank stare. Ask me about the people, the food, the culture, my students, my work and I will be able to talk for hours. So ask me about it, but specific questions are going to be more conducive to talking about it and if you do that, I promise to do my best to not talk too much. 

8.     There will be questions I can’t answer.  In many ways, this year has been a year with more questions than answers.  I promise to do my best to answer any questions you have, but if I can’t answer a question, I ask that you respect that I am probably still struggling to find the answers to those questions.

9.     I am looking forward to returning “home” but I am not excited to be leaving this “home”. So the answer to the question “Are you excited to be going back to the States?” is more complicated than a “yes” or “no” answer.  These next few weeks are going to be a giant emotional roller-coaster ride as I come to terms with saying “see you later” to my family here and return to my family back home.  As I navigate this, I ask for some patience and understanding.  I will have highs and lows, but eventually I will balance out. 

10.  This year has changed me.  I have been pushed and challenged and grown a lot over the past year. I been witness to great pain and suffering, but in the midst of that I have experienced amazing hospitality, love and welcome. However, at the end of the day I am still a girl from small town Iowa but I have just spent a year of my life living here, having my eyes opened and changed.

New Eyes

As I look back on 10 months of joys and challenges, laughter and tears, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be returning to my homes in the states, both for me and for the people I am returning home to.  Over the course of the next few weeks, I will be posting a few blogs that reflect on the ways I have changed, what I need you to know about my experience and what will be helpful to me as I go through some reverse culture shock and the grieving process for the end of the part of my YAGM experience.

It is no secret that I love the Decorah based artists StoryPeople.  They are my Facebook status updates, one of the calendars hanging in my room.  As mentioned in a previous blog, I love receiving my daily StoryPeople and even used StoryPeople as the basis for my senior chapel at Luther.   I also love being able to share StoryPeople and converting them to StoryPeople lovers.   This year I have managed to convert my fellow Beit Sahour Lutheran School YAGM Courtney to the way of StoryPeople so much that she decided to write her own which reads: 

Top of Form

"I want to take one of your eyes & give you one of mine,

 she said, because then when I look at the world
I can see what you see

 & when I look in the mirror
 I can see you."

This “CourtneyPeople” was a result of several conversations we have had, with each other and with other people, about the fact that we will soon be leaving this place that over the past year we have learned to call home.   As the school year came to an end last week, we had to start the hard process of saying good-bye and reflecting on the ways we have changed over the past year.

As I think about returning to the states, I know I am returning with new eyes.   This year has taught me to look with new eyes and has challenged me to see what others see when they look at the world.  I have spent the year living in a place with a variety of narratives, some which get told more often than other, and as hard has this has been, it has taught me to always wonder if there is a side of the story that I am not hearing and to look for this story.

These new eyes impact not only the way I see the external world but also the way that I see myself.  YAGM will always be one of the experiences that when I look in the mirror I will see as a part of who I am and the person I am becoming.  When I look in the mirror I will see not only my face but all the faces that have become a part of my story and I will wonder how my life and my story is honoring the hospitality and grace they have shown me this year. 

Just like when coming inside from a sunny day or turning on a light in the middle of the night, it takes some time for your eyes to adjust to the new light, I know that these eyes will take some time to re-adjust to being in a new place.  I ask for your patience as my eyes adjust and as my eyes continue to adapt to this new way of being.  At the same time I ask for your patience, I also hope that you will ask me questions, push me to explain, challenge me to continue to see more and I will do the same in an attempt to share some of what these new eyes have seen this year.    

Pulling weeds, Planting Flowers

The Shack by WM. Paul Young

Many of you have read it.  Most of you have probably heard me talk about it.  It is the story of a man, Mack, whose young daughter is abducted and murdered.   Several years later, Mack finds himself at an abandoned shack where he meets with God, in each of the three persons - Papa, Jesus and the embodiment of the Holy Spirit Sarayu.  Throughout the book, Mack get the opportunity to ask God all of the hard questions that most of us dream of being able to ask.  God, in one of the three personas, is patient with Mack, answering all of his questions in a variety of ways, helping Mack to understand and learn.

I read it for the first time while I was working at Camp EWALU during the summer of 2008.  Since that time, I have read it twice more.  Every time I read it, I find something I hadn’t before.  The way I understand it, respond to it and learn from it changes every time depending on what I need to understand, hear and learn. 

Before...

While my copy of the book didn’t make it to Palestine with me, I have recently been thinking about it a lot. In particular I have been thinking about one chapter in the book, in which Mack is working in a garden with Sarayu.  When they enter the garden, Mack notes that the garden is a mess but together, over the next several hours, they work to clear out a part of the garden.  They do the hard work of pulling weeds, cutting branches digging up roots and turning soil, all in preparation for something new to be planted. While they worked Mack questions Sarayu about good/evil, independence and God’s role in the world.

...and After

I have been thinking a lot about this passage over the past few weeks as I have been spending a fair amount of time working with my secondary placement, Paidia International Development as they work to get their leadership center ready for the ESL Adventure Camp that will start in a few short days.  To get it ready, we have been pulling weeds, putting a rock wall together, painting new offices, and doing general maintenance work.  It has meant a fair amount of hot hours in the sun, and some days of slow progress but with each day we are moving forward, getting closer to being ready for the summer program.

As Mack and Sarayu finish their time together in the garden the following conversation takes place:

“Mackenzie, you are such a delight”

“I didn’t do that much, really,” he apologized.  “I mean, look at this mess.” His gaze moved over the garden that surrounded them. “But it really is beautiful, and fully of you, Sarayu.  Even though it seems like lots of work still needs to be done, I feel strangely at home and comfortable here.”

The two looked at each other.

Sarayu stepped toward him until she had invaded his personal space.  “And well you should, Mackenzie, because this garden is your soul.  This mess is you! Together, you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart.  To you it seems like a mess, but to me, I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and alive—a living fractal.”

The impact of her words almost crumbled all of Mack’s reserve.  He looked again at their garden---his garden---and it really was a mess, but incredible and wonderful at the same time.  

 (pg 138)

Pulling weeds that tend to bite back when you try to pull them

As I have been pulling weeds at Paidia’s leadership center, I have been thinking a lot about Mack’s time in the garden with Sarayu.  Together, they were working on clearing the weeds out of his soul, so that new things could be planted.

In many ways, my year here in Palestine has been much like Mack’s time in the garden with Sarayu.  I have spent the year pulling weeds and planting new flowers all while asking a lot of questions about life, justice and faith.  It has meant a lot of hours of wrestling and hard work and some days of slow progress, but each day I am moving forward.   As I look at the garden of my soul, I notice the mess that it is, but throughout this year I have been constantly reminded that even if I can’t see it, Papa, Jesus and Sarayu are “working with a purpose” to create beauty and growth.